back on the wagon?

I cannot begin to tell you how many posts I have in draft status. It has been over four months since my last post. I’ve barely been able to think, let alone write, since the summer. My brain and my body are completely fried. I’m burned out from work and parenting and life. I went straight from the corporate Hunger Games (yet another post in draft status) to selecting my team, to implementing new processes, to picking up the pieces from all of the change. I’ve worked an average of 80 hours per week since April and it is killing me. Sure there have been a couple of weeks where I only put in 60 hours and the week of my daughter’s birthday (July), I only worked 40. But still…this is too much and it’s not healthy. I feel like a blob. I have been eating too much sugar, haven’t been logging as many miles as I’d like and I even gave up on Pure Barre for a few months. I think I’ve put on four pounds, although – thankfully - my clothes fit well. It’s time to find some balance. Since work isn’t going to slow down, I am going to try to hold myself more accountable to me. Step one – meet my new friend, the FitBit. I bought this bad boy as my birthday present to myself and I’ve been wearing it religiously. Now it’s time to make sure I hit my 10k steps every day. I like seeing how the little changes I make impact my calorie burn, so it’s a motivator. Step two – return to Pure Barre. I’ve started going once per week and I’m signed up for at least one class a week through November. Step thee – return to Mamavation. Here I am, ladies! I’m hoping that you will help me stick to this!

Worse than a desk job

I have been sitting in interviews for over a week.  Seriously...40+ hours of interviewing candidates in the last week.  It has been intense.  On the bright side, I've found some really wonderful candidates for the manager roles on my team.  On the not so bright side, I feel like a complete slug thanks to all the sitting.

Seriously, sitting in a conference room doing all these interviews is far worse than sitting at a desk.  It's been like groundhog day!  I used four different versions of my interview guide, so I wasn't asking each candidate the same questions, but still...  It was really hard to keep organized and on track in the interviews.  Thank goodness that I practice what I preach to hiring managers about taking good interview notes!

So back to the sitting.  I was in the office, sitting in a conference room from 7a-5p each day last week.  Then I went to my office and worked for a few hours to get somewhat caught up on email.  Long story short, I didn't work out nearly as much as I wanted to.  By the time I got home from work, I was completely drained and just wanted to veg in front of the TV or go to bed.  I think I only got in one workout all week.

This week is off to a similar start.  We've had long talent calibration sessions and these conference room pow-wows are killing me!  I need to walk around.  I need to move!  I'm also suffering from some allergy issues and my throat is a mess.  I didn't work out last night as a result.  Tonight will be better though.  I'm planning on 3 miles and some strength training.  Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a Pure Barre class.  I'm not sure what is in store for the rest of the week, but I'm hoping for nice weather this weekend so we can go on a family hike.

Have an awesome week, sistas!

“ This post is sponsored by Noelle Katai and Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway ”

Sugar addition...Easter was tough

I've been very quiet recently and I'm sorry for that.  I feel bad about not commenting on your posts or sharing much here.  I've been going through a lot and haven't had the time or energy to spend online.

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of sugar, family visits, travel, work stress, and hormones.  The Easter Bunny brought me a bunch of Reester bunnies which I have no ability to resist.  I've had a few of them and they just seem to feed my ridiculous sugar addiction.  I'll be happy when I get rid of them all! 

I completed 11 interviews for my job last week and should find out the outcome in another week or so.  At this point, the waiting is really the hardest part (thanks, Tom Petty).  Until I know the outcome, I'm sitting quietly and trying not to stress too much.

I'm working out plenty, thank goodness.  It's what is keeping me sane.  This week will be tough though because I'm a single parent for a few days and then as soon as my husband gets home, I'm heading to Texas for a few days. 

I hope you're all doing well!

Way Too Busy

This week went by in the blink of an eye.  I've been so busy that I've barely kept up with Twitter, let alone the #2weekchallenge.  I feel like a complete slacker for not keeping the commitment, but I'm trying not to hold onto too much guilt about it.

First the good news.  I recently developed a work concept into a full program that was so well received, we decided to market it externally.  Over the course of the last week, I pitched the idea to another major company, developed sample materials for their review and guess what...they bought it!!  I have moved from being typical HR overhead to a source of revenue!  I am so excited about it...I can barely contain it.  What I'm thrilled about is the pitch.  I found the time to fully prepare myself and I knocked it out of the park.  I was confident, which made all the difference.  That confidence is a big improvement for me.

Anyway, so after the company decided they wanted to buy my program, I had to kick it into high gear.  I've spent the past several days on conference calls and emailing at all hours of the night trying to get this thing ready to roll out in a week.  Between this and my normal job (which hasn't slowed down), I haven't been getting much sleep.  I'm also preparing for my upcoming interviews and trying to be as ready as possible.  I've spent almost all weekend working from my house...and there's no end in sight.  I think I have another eight hours of work ahead of my and it's already 7pm.  I guess I should stop writing and get back to it.

So, back to Mamavation stuff.  I only did one day of the #2weekchallenge and then I strained my elbow.  It's almost back to normal now, but was a mess earlier this week.  I was able to get in several miles this week (I had to work off some of the stress), but I definitely didn't work out as much as I wanted to.  I was great about food though, so it all works out.

This week is going to be tough.  I have a ton of work to do, but I'm going to fit in as many workouts as possible.  Although I'm not officially on the #2weekchallenge bandwagon anymore, I'm going to try to do some of the workouts to support my sistas. :)

Have a great week, everyone!

Off the rails, but climbing back on

I've been quiet this week because the week has been pretty bad.  I haven't said much because there's nothing positive to share.  Instead, I've been eating my feelings and my stress.  To top if off, I'm PMSy, so I've been craving salt and sugar ALL THE TIME.  I know it's bad and I'm determined to move beyond this terrible week, so I think it's time to share the situation with my Mamavation Sistas.

On Monday, I had a meeting with a colleague and realized that the current and pending reorganization of my department was essentially already worked out.  I knew in my gut that the people I wanted to get the new roles weren't going to get them and it would likely impact me in some pretty significant ways.  Of course I couldn't talk to anyone about this, so I picked up some M&Ms.

Throughout the week, I watched my team become more and more nervous as rumors flew around about upcoming announcements.  I tried to keep quiet and stuffed my face with Oreos.

On Thursday, the new selections were made.  I didn't hear from my boss until that evening, and I could tell from his cryptic message that things weren't good.  I went to a networking event and tried to hold it together, but it was a little much.  When I went home, I couldn't force myself to work out and I just sat in bed, watching TV. 

Finally, on Friday, the announcement about the new structure was sent out.  As I predicted, the whole thing was predetermined, despite the last month of stress and interviewing for my boss and all of his peers.  The new structure will be fine and I know that ultimately, I will be fine, it's just really sad to realize that it was all a charade.  I've lost so much trust as a result of this...and I feel so naive for believing that things might work out differently.  On Friday night, I enjoyed some red wine and kettle chips.

So here we are now.  I'll be meeting with my new VP on Monday and hope to hear his vision for our department.  I don't know if I'll fit into that or if I'll end up interviewing for a different role in the company or if I'll have to find a new employer.  I probably won't know the outcome of this for a month.  I will have to handle my emotions for the next four weeks and need to find a way to curb my eating behavior while I work through this stress.  It's tough...my job is so much of who I am and I am struggling with the ambiguity.  It will be okay though.

I've signed up for the Mamavation #2weekchallenge - the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I need some daily accountability to work off my stress.  The challenge is still a week away so in the meantime, I have the following plan.

Sunday, March 3rd: Tae Bo 10 Minute Workout, 3 miles, #plankaday
Monday, March 4th: Final fit test for the 100 PushUp Challenge!!, 2 miles, #plankaday
Tuesday, March 5th: Pure Barre
Wednesday, March 6th: 2-3 miles, #plankaday, pushups
Thursday, March 7th: REST
Friday, March 8th: 2-3 miles, #plankaday, pushups
Saturday, March 9th: Tae Bo, #plankaday
Sunday, March 10th: REST

I'm going to stop stressing about the extra calories I ate this week and just proceed normally with food.  I'm planning healthy meals for the week and plan to avoid sugar.  I'm back on track...starting today!

Update on Goals

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We're nearly two months into the New Year, so I thought it was a good time to give a quick accountability update on my goals.   

1. Write regularly.  Write in my own blog, leave comments on others, and write about N's childhood so she has a record of it.
• This is going well.  I've posted at least once per week and have been able to leave comments on other blogs as well.  I could probably be better about chronicling N's childhood...most of my posts have been about me (conceited??).
2. Constantly remind myself that N is not trying to drive me crazy...she's just 3.  Give myself time outs when her behavior starts to upset me.
• This is going really well for me, but has caused me to notice that my husband could be much better.  I've actually been pretty pissed at him recently because of my frustration about how he interacts with her.  I guess it's time to address that as a secondary issue.
3. Focus on wellness, not just fitness.  Change my workout routine to include more yoga and strength training to help me feel calm and centered.  The goal here is to help #2 above.
• I've felt the most impact from this goal.  I've successfully changed my workout routine and my stress levels have reduced as an outcome.  I posted a sample week here in my last Mamavation post and I was able to stick with most of the plan.  I've been so sore from my Pure Barre classes that I've gotten a few days behind on my push-up challenge, but otherwise, I finished everything I set out to last week.  I'm up to 62 uninterrupted push-ups now and I'm pretty proud of it.  I made it through a full hour of Tae Bo yesterday, which is also an accomplishment in my book.
• I still haven't been able to incorporate yoga because of my schedule.  I have some pre-paid passes to the local hot yoga studio though, so I need to make the time to go. 
4. Take care of my skin.  I'm 32 years old and all of the sudden, my face is showing it.  This year, I will invest in, and regularly use, skincare products.
• This is FRUSTRATING!  I've been using a Murad anti-aging and correcting product since the New Year and it hasn't made a difference.  Is this because my skin is beyond repair or because I'm not using a good product?  Regardless, this is expensive and a bit disappointing.
• Does anyone have recommendations of good anti-aging products to share? I'm all ears at this point!

Multi-tasking is Overrated

I'm writing this while on a conference call.  Not with anyone inside my organization (don't worry, employer!), but still...  I'm multitasking.  This has become the story of my life.  It is extremely rare that I sit down and focus on just one thing at a time.  This dawned on me last night as I was phone interviewing a new babysitter while driving to the gym.  Should I really be screening a potential caregiver for my child while racing to my next location?

I've always been an overachiever.  I've always been busy and thanks to my ADD, I never sit still.  Generally speaking, I do a damn good job of "wearing multiple hats."  That being said, since I've become a mom, I've taken this juggling act to a whole new level.

I responded to work email while I was in labor.  I read parenting blogs and researched developmental milestones during N's 2AM nursing sessions. Rather than "sleeping while the baby slept," I participated in conference calls during my maternity leave.  When I went back to work, I scheduled every moment of my day so that I could fit late afternoon Kindermusik classes into my week. Three years later, my husband and I have our schedules down to a science.  Exercise when N is asleep; laundry and kitchen cleaning while she watches cartoons on Saturday morning; one Saturday afternoon per month as alone time while the other parent does something special with N.  The science part of it is great.  We wouldn't be able to manage our lives if we weren't this organized and methodical.  I am starting to realize that I may be killing myself with all of this activity though.  I'm stressed.  I'm tired (and the circles under my eyes are visible proof).  I'm finding a new gray hair every week.  There are moments when I feel like I'm failing at work.  Can I really do my best and make every project/interaction/experience great if I'm not totally focused?  How many typos could have been avoided in this post if I proofread it without my work IM dinging in the background?

I hung up the phone with the new babysitter last night and realized that I didn't ask her a couple of very basic questions.  I was so excited about her based on the first impression she made on me and so worried about being late for my exercise class that I skimped on the interview.  Good grief, I interview for a living.  How is it acceptable for me to not give it 100% when it's for my child?!  How many other times have I done something similar and not realized it?

So, for now, I am going to find a way to be more focused.  I'm going to block time on my calendar for the regular to-dos and find a way to focus on them.  I'm also going to find time to just focus on my child.  She deserves to have me to read her library book without being distracted by the VIP alert emails from my boss on my phone.  She needs me to help her with trace numbers without running to the kitchen to stir whatever I'm making for dinner.  Maybe we'll start ordering take-out once a week.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to make it happen.  I'm open to suggestions if any of you wonderful moms are willing to share.

Self-Confidence

We are in the early stages of a massive restructuring at work.  As a result, I'm not sure who my boss will be, what my role will be (if I'm still employed at the end of this), or where my office will be located. We've been told that we will all need to interview for the new roles in the new structure, but those haven't been finalized yet.  I have great faith in my current boss and since learning this news two weeks ago, have been confident that both he and the rest of our team will handle the new structure well.  Most of the time, I have good thoughts and believe that I will have a solid role in the new structure, but there are moments when I'm not so confident.  I've been told that I'm valued and that I don't need to worry about finding a job outside of our company.  That being said, there are moments when I worry that they're just hinting at the fact that I will likely have a role, but there's no guarantee that the role will be at my same level or compensation.

I just blogged about how wonderful N's education is and then literally, two minutes after scheduling the post, I checked the mail and discovered her 2013-2014 school contract with a due date of late February.  I'm afraid to sign the contract and jinx myself.  If I sign it, am I being overly confident in my employment situation?  What happens if I sign the contract and then my work life falls apart?  I won't know what's happening with my job for a couple of months, so I'm freaked out.  

After opening the mail, I came upstairs to get some work done while N played.  I was sitting at my computer with her behind me, playing on her keyboard.  Given my stress level after opening the contract, the noise of her banging on the keys was driving me berserk and I was trying really hard not to snap.  I turned around to look at her and she smiled and asked me to play with her.  Then she squeezed my face and said "Mommy, let's do something fun."  I crawled on the floor with her and started spelling out names with her letter blocks.  After a few minutes, she pulled out her toy helicopter and asked me to help because she couldn't get it to turn on.  I simply flipped a hidden switch and it started working.  She responded with "You fixed it! Mommy, you always fix things."

This child has faith in me that I don't always have in myself.  She's right though - I do always fix things.  From her perspective, that means cleaning up messes and fixing boo boos, but I am a naturally a problem solver.  If I end up in a difficult employment situation, or worse, if I end up unemployed, I will find a way to fix it.  I'll prove myself and be promoted or I'll find another job.  I'm going to trust her comment and follow the confidence she has in me and just sign the contract. 

I've Lost My Spark

I’m fortunate to spend time with executives from my company on a regular basis.  Although I experience the typical ups and downs of (being a mom in) the corporate world, I work for a great company and we have some very strong leaders.  There’s one in particular, who I really connect with and see as a mentor.  Last week, I sat down with her for our monthly touch-base and decided to be candid with her.  I shared that I was feeling like a doormat.  I want people to get along and I’ve let myself take the blame for things that were in no way my fault. She responded with a comment about how she feels that I’ve lost my spark.

Ouch.

Then she told me that she empathized.  Things have been difficult within our team and as a woman, it’s easy to focus your energy on other things outside of the office.  She guessed that because of work frustration, I’ve been focusing my energy on my daughter.

Even bigger ouch.

It’s one thing to assume that I’ve lost my professional spark.  I understand that and can see where she’s coming from.  It’s another to assume that my focus is torn between work and family.  I hate that this topic even comes up.  I’m mad at myself for being upset that there’s a perception that I’m not completely focused on work.  Most of all, I’m really disappointed in myself because I care. 

I’m a good mom.  I should be happy that she assumed that I’m focusing on my child.  I just don’t want her or anyone else in the workplace to think that.  I want her to think that I can take everything in stride and excel in all my roles.  I appreciate her persepctive as a strong female.  I appreciated the honesty of her comments, but they cut me to the core.

I came home from work and snuggled with my child.  Then, in typical three year old fashion, she started acting up.  Secretly, I wished that I could go back to work and focus on something I could control.  Spark or not, in the office, I have control over my world.  If I ask someone to send a contract out or call an employee or whatever, it gets done.  I don’t have to ask twice.  I don’t have someone saying, “Mommy, say it as a sentence” or "no, I don't want to do that."

I want to be and think I am a good mom.  I’m proud of my daughter and love showing her off.  I also want to do well at work.  I want my child to see me do well at work so that I can be a good role model.  I want the women on my team to see me as a strong leader who achieves balance.  At the same time, I fight the perception that I’m working to find that balance.  It's a tough emotional struggle and I'm not sure why I do this to myself.

I'm working to reignite my spark and I know I'll be successful.  Just in the last few days, there have been some good changes in the office.  Things are feeling positive and the kindling is ready to help make a flame.  I am going to focus on nurturing that spark instead of trying to change the perception that I'm focused on my child.  A good mother can do both, and that's what I am.

Admitting I'm tired...

Recently, while perusing Pinterest, I saw an eye concealer with a caption that read “No one will realize how tired you really are.”  It caught my attention because I have some pretty serious circles under my eyes.  I looked at the link and I think I might have even pinned it to my “For Me” board.  Then I promptly went on with the rest of my day.

I’ve been really busy over the last few months.  When I think about it, I’ve been busy for years and years.  It’s just my nature to always be active.  The trouble is that now, in my thirties, all the hustle and bustle is catching up with me.  I never sit still and it’s getting worse.  I’m pretty sure that my activity level is overcompensating for my exhaustion.  I don’t want to admit that I need to slow down and chill out.  I want to be the perfect mom.  I want to prove that I can work full time and be a great mom and be in shape and be stylish and be…everything to everyone.  I keep taking on more and more and more and more.  To that end, at the beginning of the month, I committed to extra workouts, an annual mileage goal and a ton of strength training.  I’ve been doing it, but in retrospect, I’m pretty sure that this is another example of overcommitting.  This activity level isn’t sustainable given my busy lifestyle.

I was able to spend some time thinking over the weekend and I remembered that Pinterest eye stuff.  The thing that struck me was the phrase “No one will realize how tired you really are.”  I’ve come to the realization that I’m expending a lot of energy trying to make sure that no one realizes that I’m worn out.  I’ve been hopeful that the extra exercise would give me more oomph, but I’m literally too tired for that oomph to stick with me.  When I finish a workout, I feel good.  The next day, I have to drag my tired ass out of bed to fight through my daily routine again.   Tonight, for example, I am so worn out from the stress of work, my sick kid, the whirlwind multi-state trip I took this weekend, and cleaning up my house, that the last thing I have the energy for is working out.  I’ll go do it, but I really just need to go to bed.  Tomorrow, when my kid yells for me to get up at 5:30am, I’m going to be resentful… resentful of her and resentful of my decision to prioritize exercise over sleep.

I need to find a balance.  I’ve been so positive about my lifestyle change.  I need to get that positivity back and chill out.  I need to stop stressing about exercise and find the joy in it again.  Until I find that joy, I’m going to cut back a bit.  I’m still keeping my mileage goal and will be doing my regular push-ups and planking.  I’m going to put the rest of it on hold for a week or two and spend the extra time in bed.  I’m hopeful that with a little extra rest, I’ll come out of my funk and get my workout mojo back.