Our week in pictures

Although last week was tough for me, our family had a pretty good time.  Our adventures included snow tubing at a local park, a birthday party for Dr. Seuss, and N's first time skiing.  She had a blast!  Here are a few (not great quality) pics from the week.

Off the rails, but climbing back on

I've been quiet this week because the week has been pretty bad.  I haven't said much because there's nothing positive to share.  Instead, I've been eating my feelings and my stress.  To top if off, I'm PMSy, so I've been craving salt and sugar ALL THE TIME.  I know it's bad and I'm determined to move beyond this terrible week, so I think it's time to share the situation with my Mamavation Sistas.

On Monday, I had a meeting with a colleague and realized that the current and pending reorganization of my department was essentially already worked out.  I knew in my gut that the people I wanted to get the new roles weren't going to get them and it would likely impact me in some pretty significant ways.  Of course I couldn't talk to anyone about this, so I picked up some M&Ms.

Throughout the week, I watched my team become more and more nervous as rumors flew around about upcoming announcements.  I tried to keep quiet and stuffed my face with Oreos.

On Thursday, the new selections were made.  I didn't hear from my boss until that evening, and I could tell from his cryptic message that things weren't good.  I went to a networking event and tried to hold it together, but it was a little much.  When I went home, I couldn't force myself to work out and I just sat in bed, watching TV. 

Finally, on Friday, the announcement about the new structure was sent out.  As I predicted, the whole thing was predetermined, despite the last month of stress and interviewing for my boss and all of his peers.  The new structure will be fine and I know that ultimately, I will be fine, it's just really sad to realize that it was all a charade.  I've lost so much trust as a result of this...and I feel so naive for believing that things might work out differently.  On Friday night, I enjoyed some red wine and kettle chips.

So here we are now.  I'll be meeting with my new VP on Monday and hope to hear his vision for our department.  I don't know if I'll fit into that or if I'll end up interviewing for a different role in the company or if I'll have to find a new employer.  I probably won't know the outcome of this for a month.  I will have to handle my emotions for the next four weeks and need to find a way to curb my eating behavior while I work through this stress.  It's tough...my job is so much of who I am and I am struggling with the ambiguity.  It will be okay though.

I've signed up for the Mamavation #2weekchallenge - the timing couldn't be more perfect.  I need some daily accountability to work off my stress.  The challenge is still a week away so in the meantime, I have the following plan.

Sunday, March 3rd: Tae Bo 10 Minute Workout, 3 miles, #plankaday
Monday, March 4th: Final fit test for the 100 PushUp Challenge!!, 2 miles, #plankaday
Tuesday, March 5th: Pure Barre
Wednesday, March 6th: 2-3 miles, #plankaday, pushups
Thursday, March 7th: REST
Friday, March 8th: 2-3 miles, #plankaday, pushups
Saturday, March 9th: Tae Bo, #plankaday
Sunday, March 10th: REST

I'm going to stop stressing about the extra calories I ate this week and just proceed normally with food.  I'm planning healthy meals for the week and plan to avoid sugar.  I'm back on track...starting today!

Preschool Drama

Tonight, as N was getting ready for her bath, I heard her shriek, "You're not my friend and I'm going to kick you in the face."  Based on her tone, she was mad as hell at her father and she said it to be mean.  I ran into the hallway, scooped her up, and put her in the time out corner so everyone could calm down.  I was so mad at this display of anger from her.  Where did she learn such horrible words and when did she learn how to be mean?

After she calmed herself, I sat down with N and asked who used those words. She instantly shared the name of one of her classmates and based on what I've seen from this little girl at after school, I believe her.  She then proceeded to tell me how the same girl won't play with her anymore and said they weren't friends.  Apparently, N responded with a "well, you're not my friend either" comment. For reference, N is 3 and the other girl is 4.  Seriously?!? When did preschool become filled with drama?

N and I had a long discussion about using nice words and not mean words.  She told me all about how some girls won't play with her friends and it's clear that there's some exclusion happening.  We talked about the importance of playing with everyone and making good choices.  She seems to understand, but I'm sure in the thick of things at school, it will be hard to remember.  Any guidance on how I should proceed?  I'm at a loss here...

Update on Goals

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We're nearly two months into the New Year, so I thought it was a good time to give a quick accountability update on my goals.   

1. Write regularly.  Write in my own blog, leave comments on others, and write about N's childhood so she has a record of it.
• This is going well.  I've posted at least once per week and have been able to leave comments on other blogs as well.  I could probably be better about chronicling N's childhood...most of my posts have been about me (conceited??).
2. Constantly remind myself that N is not trying to drive me crazy...she's just 3.  Give myself time outs when her behavior starts to upset me.
• This is going really well for me, but has caused me to notice that my husband could be much better.  I've actually been pretty pissed at him recently because of my frustration about how he interacts with her.  I guess it's time to address that as a secondary issue.
3. Focus on wellness, not just fitness.  Change my workout routine to include more yoga and strength training to help me feel calm and centered.  The goal here is to help #2 above.
• I've felt the most impact from this goal.  I've successfully changed my workout routine and my stress levels have reduced as an outcome.  I posted a sample week here in my last Mamavation post and I was able to stick with most of the plan.  I've been so sore from my Pure Barre classes that I've gotten a few days behind on my push-up challenge, but otherwise, I finished everything I set out to last week.  I'm up to 62 uninterrupted push-ups now and I'm pretty proud of it.  I made it through a full hour of Tae Bo yesterday, which is also an accomplishment in my book.
• I still haven't been able to incorporate yoga because of my schedule.  I have some pre-paid passes to the local hot yoga studio though, so I need to make the time to go. 
4. Take care of my skin.  I'm 32 years old and all of the sudden, my face is showing it.  This year, I will invest in, and regularly use, skincare products.
• This is FRUSTRATING!  I've been using a Murad anti-aging and correcting product since the New Year and it hasn't made a difference.  Is this because my skin is beyond repair or because I'm not using a good product?  Regardless, this is expensive and a bit disappointing.
• Does anyone have recommendations of good anti-aging products to share? I'm all ears at this point!

Mamavation Monday 2/18

Last week was mixed for me.  I am still doing well with my workout routine, but I've really struggled with food choices.  I'm feeling very sluggish and I know it's because I'm eating too much sugar.  My carb/fat/protein ratio has been off kilter for a few weeks and I haven't been able to get back on track.  I'm eating too many carbs...it's those damned Cadbury Eggs!! I've told myself that the sugar splurges are okay because I'm stressed, but frankly, that's bullshit. I know I need to manage stress with exercise and just have to hold myself accountable.

This week, I plan to lower my calorie target a bit. I need to show myself that I have some self control. I can stick to a calorie goal, whereas it's hard for me to cut out something specific.  With less calories,I'm  forced to focus on eating healthy, whole foods and I tend to avoid junk.  Hopefully this approach will work for me.  Most of the dinners I've planned for the week include chicken.  My plan is to make enough to take some chicken to work for lunch each day. I assume that if I eat ,ore protein at lunch, I won't want chocolate at 3pm. :)

As for workouts, I have the following planned:

Monday: Cardio (3miles) and #plankaday

Tuesday: Pure Barre (I've found it to be a great workout and I'm so sore after!). We plank in class, so it also meets my #plankaday goal.

Wednesday: Cardio (2-3 miles), #plankaday, and push-ups for the 100 push-up challenge

Thursday: rest

Friday: push-ups for the 100 push-up challenge and #plankaday

Saturday: Cardio (Tae Bo?) and #plankaday

Sunday: push-ups for the 100 push-up challenge and #plankaday

This should be my last week of the push-up challenge...I'm excited to see how many I can do at the end of it.  More to come on that next week.  I'm also very focused on water intake.  I do really well with the #64ozchallenge during the weekdays, but I've been struggling on the weekends.  I just need to be more conscious of it.

What do you have planned?  Have a great week, ladies!

Multi-tasking is Overrated

I'm writing this while on a conference call.  Not with anyone inside my organization (don't worry, employer!), but still...  I'm multitasking.  This has become the story of my life.  It is extremely rare that I sit down and focus on just one thing at a time.  This dawned on me last night as I was phone interviewing a new babysitter while driving to the gym.  Should I really be screening a potential caregiver for my child while racing to my next location?

I've always been an overachiever.  I've always been busy and thanks to my ADD, I never sit still.  Generally speaking, I do a damn good job of "wearing multiple hats."  That being said, since I've become a mom, I've taken this juggling act to a whole new level.

I responded to work email while I was in labor.  I read parenting blogs and researched developmental milestones during N's 2AM nursing sessions. Rather than "sleeping while the baby slept," I participated in conference calls during my maternity leave.  When I went back to work, I scheduled every moment of my day so that I could fit late afternoon Kindermusik classes into my week. Three years later, my husband and I have our schedules down to a science.  Exercise when N is asleep; laundry and kitchen cleaning while she watches cartoons on Saturday morning; one Saturday afternoon per month as alone time while the other parent does something special with N.  The science part of it is great.  We wouldn't be able to manage our lives if we weren't this organized and methodical.  I am starting to realize that I may be killing myself with all of this activity though.  I'm stressed.  I'm tired (and the circles under my eyes are visible proof).  I'm finding a new gray hair every week.  There are moments when I feel like I'm failing at work.  Can I really do my best and make every project/interaction/experience great if I'm not totally focused?  How many typos could have been avoided in this post if I proofread it without my work IM dinging in the background?

I hung up the phone with the new babysitter last night and realized that I didn't ask her a couple of very basic questions.  I was so excited about her based on the first impression she made on me and so worried about being late for my exercise class that I skimped on the interview.  Good grief, I interview for a living.  How is it acceptable for me to not give it 100% when it's for my child?!  How many other times have I done something similar and not realized it?

So, for now, I am going to find a way to be more focused.  I'm going to block time on my calendar for the regular to-dos and find a way to focus on them.  I'm also going to find time to just focus on my child.  She deserves to have me to read her library book without being distracted by the VIP alert emails from my boss on my phone.  She needs me to help her with trace numbers without running to the kitchen to stir whatever I'm making for dinner.  Maybe we'll start ordering take-out once a week.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I need to make it happen.  I'm open to suggestions if any of you wonderful moms are willing to share.

Growing Up: The Reality of Death

I'm 32 years old and IT has hit.  A huge concern about mortality has officially landed square in my lap.  I'm sad and I'm scared.

My best friend found a lump in her breast.  She's been back and forth with physicians about it for two weeks and finally, they acknowledged that something was wrong.  After several mammograms, they sufficiently freaked her out by indicating that the mass was quite large and an odd shape.  It also turned out that she had several other masses that needed to be reviewed.  Several biopsies and 4.5 days of waiting later, she has been told that she doesn't have cancer, but they don't know what's wrong with her.  She'll continue to have mammograms every few months while they investigate the issue.

4.5 days of waiting.  4.5 days of crying and freaking out and speculating and imagining worst case scenarios.  She has a toddler.  She is engaged and will soon have two stepchildren.  Her fiance travels for work 100% of the time.  How would she handle a cancer diagnosis?  She lives an hour away from civilization.  How would she handle treatment?  How could I help her when I'm stressed about my own life and I live six hours away?  Thank God it all turned out alright, at least for now.

I just learned that a colleague passed away last night.  I just saw him last week.  The email this morning indicated that his cause of death is still TBD.  He wasn't sick.  He wasn't in an accident.  He just dropped dead?!?  He has a wife and two kids.  I can't even imagine how awful this must be for them.

I've been very fortunate in that until now, I haven't had to think much about death.  These two events have me thinking though...should I be more concerned?  Should I be contingency planning?  My husband and I have drafted our will, but we haven't been able to finalize it.  We need to do that.  We need to share it openly with our family and those who would be involved in supporting N.  It's incredibly sad to think about and a very grown-up topic.  Although I'm an adult, I don't feel ready for it.

For now, I will put away my tears and add "finalize will" to my to-do list.  It seems such an odd thing to type into Wunderlist...